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Bytyan

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A Little Lost

3 min read
I haven't..really been too great lately. So I'm just writing this to get it out of my system and..tell the nobody who still goes on here.

I moved into a college about 10 hours away from my old home.
I'm studying music and it's all I could ever want.
I'm extremely lonely and have made no friends.
I've lost communication with one person who I used to love dearly, and promised that I would never stop talking to. They refuse to answer my calls and messages. I miss them every day.
The person who used to be my best friend turned into a distant asshole and then moved.
Nobody here knows me or knows what I'm like and why I am the way I am.
I haven't hugged or gotten hugged by anyone in months.
I miss fireplaces.
I have been anorexic and bulimic for two years. It's gotten to the point where my mother cries every day and they're threatening me with hospitalization.
I'm very afraid that death may be a real concern for me soon.

I turned 19.
I forget who I am...and what I'm here for.
I'm really just..lonely I guess..just want to curl up into a ball and sleep forever..

I feel like I regret my whole life.

I've taken to try to eat more, but hit and physically abuse myself for it.
It brings up the question of why I feel the need to punish myself. Everyone else seems to think I'm not a bad person.

I guess..I just. miss the time when life was something that I lived. Where I actually had feelings worth feeling and when I felt sad or happy.
I'm just trying so hard to escape and run away and hole myself up. But I don't know from what.

And why am I so damned dedicated to music? I've stayed up until about 5:00 the past few nights studying.
You think that with everything going on, I'd have given up on music before I gave up on myself.
Maybe I have nothing better to do? Or just don't know what else to do with myself?

I really miss the feeling of someones hand on my back or chest. just...softly there.

I don't really feel connected to anything here..and so..I don't really feel..real. In a way.

I miss something. I regret something. but I don't know what.

Fuck. I'm an emo mess. Someone come cuddle me please.
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so, generic update on my life, new guitar strings make my music sound lie sex. yes, sex.

my house was broken into, through my bedroom window and the ripped down my curtains, nothing was taken.
my grandmothers ill
two of my friends hooked up
my guitar is almost here (ordered in)
theres a bloody (figurative speech here) dog by my side who isnt mine
my friends going in for surgery
im in a band and things are going underway to a gig

and lastly
i was offered a place at a guitar festival next year, with an audience of about 1200.
so...holy obscenity....stunned.
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spent

1 min read
so.....weird past couple days, really odd actually.i wont say all of it so...make me a note if you want to know the rest of it.
anyways, spent the begging of the day with an old friend who i have to admit i missed a little since school ended, was actually awesome.
and then found out im preforming in a concert over the summer, and then found out that im getting a guitar for 50% of my busking profits, even if i don't get a license.

but for the concert...i might be in both bands, and be playing for an hour and a half straight.....okay!

and a few other things. oh yes, the title is spent because im getting an ibanez ew35spe-ent
www.ibanez.com/AcousticGuitars…
(ibanez exotic wood category 35 sapelle wood    ent)



so....yeah!
actually happy
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why yes that IS the title of a song. a very god one in fact.

I've made a few friends recently. some are closer to me than theirs but in all honesty i feel distant from..well..everyone.

lot has happened recently and i don't know what i can say on this anymore.

I have now been up for about two days....i am really..really...tired.

been researching more into music and delving in more...getting lost in it a little....i used to be so into it that i didnt really know how to socially interact very well.

well...at least i can now.

been doing a lot of thinking too....ah well.

I cant really say much...so i guess i wont...but listen to a change of seasons..... its 23 minutes long but its really good.

"you poisoned her, you know"
am i the only one that still remembers?
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Who'll ride this dying carousel?
Four rusting horses strangled by their own rope
What children love a singing wheel
Now that their tight hearts it broke
That their tight hearts it broke

Everyone will come, everyone will come to my funeral
To make sure that I stay dead
Everyone will come, everyone will come to my funeral
To make sure that I stay dead
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